Close Friends

I'd like to have closer relationships with people, though I feel a little embarrassed to admit it. I figure that if I let it be known then that will increase the odds of finding what I want. It's kind of like posting an ad for an item I wanted to sell. Unlike items for sale though, relationships are much more difficult to find matches for. This entry is kind of like an ad of sorts and so I'd like to expand on some of the interests in my About Me box.

People skills don't come naturally to me. I half-jokingly say that I have the personality of a dead fish :-). But I like to think that in recent years I've learned how to relate to people better. For example, I've learned about the importance of listening and how difficult that really is. I've also learned how to maintain good relationships with others even if we disagree on some things. It's a useful skill because no two people will ever agree on absolutely everything.

I'm interested in science and am a secular humanist which means I am not religious. Though as a social primate, I still feel the need to belong to a community and behave morally. In fact I don't believe there is a god so that makes me an atheist by definition. Among the sciences, I am most interested in physics, astronomy, psychology, and evolution. When I'm on the road commuting or riding my bicycle and I often listen to podcasts such as Point of Inquiry, Scientific American Science Talk, Savage Lovecast, as well as NPR On Science and NPR Fresh Air.

Related to science, I like computers and technology. This combined with being socially awkward probably makes me a bit geeky. I've always liked working with computers because I like building things and writing software allows me to see the results of my efforts more quickly. You can read more about my work life on my LinkedIn profile.

Another one of my passions is dancing. I enjoy dancing West Coast Swing because there is more freedom to improvise. I also like Lindy Hop and East Coast Swing and Big Band Jazz music which goes well with it, though I don't get to dance Lindy much lately. I regularly dance WC Swing at an intermediate level and am interested in taking more lessons.

Lately, I've been dancing at Sundance Saloon in San Francisco which is a mostly LGBT country-western dance club. I like the large friendly crowd there. The dances are mostly country 2-step and waltz, with some line dancing and WC Swing. I like to both follow and lead so I basically get to dance every song with anyone willing to dance with me. I also enjoy line dancing which is a kind of choreographed individual dance similar to aerobics.

I live in Mountain View which is in Silicon Valley and part of the San Francisco Bay Area. My husband and I have been living together since 1995 and we were legally married as a same-sex couple in California before Prop 8 was passed and so our marriage is still recognized by the state, but not at the federal level.

That's a little more about me. Feel free to contact me if you'd like to know more as I'm open to making new friends. Thanks for reading.

Daniel Dennett and Memes

Thought provoking talk by Daniel Dennett on evolution and memes:

Dan Savage on Redefining Marriage

Dan Savage gives some great arguments for same-sex marriage equality.

Thank You for Your Patience

Sometimes I get into a conflict with someone, start to feel anxious, and soon the situation spirals out of control. Later, I ask myself what happened? Conflicts are inevitable because no two people are going to always agree. The key, however, is being able to resolve the conflict calmly and in a way that respects the parties involved. Furthermore, resolving a conflict sooner can avoid emotions from building up and resulting in a bigger blow up later.

When we talk to other people lots of events happen at various levels in our brain before words come out of our mouths. The events all cannot happen consciously and so we rely on many automatic unconscious processes to do this. These unconscious processes are acquired as we grow up. One such automatic event that I've grown up with is a feeling of inferiority. It results in wimpy behavior, but not intentionally at a conscious level. Does that make sense? Often times I am not aware of it and the times I am aware of it, I am not able to stop it because it is automatic.

Perhaps a more concrete example would help. A few years ago I was in a group where the facilitator asked me to stop apologizing in an annoyed tone of voice. I then automatically proceeded to apologize for apologizing. Then we had a laugh after realizing just what had happened. Here's my analysis of what happened at an unconscious level: 1) The person who was annoyed at me had higher status than me 2) I should behave in an appropriate deferential way toward them by apologizing.

Sometimes my automatic wimpy behavior can get me into trouble. It is also common when a person sees someone else behaving in a wimpy way, the observer behaves in an aggressive and dominating way towards the wimp. Again, this also happens automatically at a unconscious level and people may not even be aware of it. This is the situation I often find myself getting into and it creates a great deal of anxiety.

So what can I do to prevent the situation from spiraling out of control? I can behave in an assertive way. This is a third alternative to behaving in a passive, wimpy way or behaving in an aggressive, bullying way. An assertive response would be to thank the person for their time. Hence, the title of this blog entry. I do not intentionally want to feel inferior nor superior to anyone else -- just equal. So if I unintentionally act as a wimp, I would appreciate your patience. That also goes for the times where I acted aggressively towards you. Feel free to let me know as I may not always be conscious of it.

Notable Interview on Secular Ethics with Peter Singer

I recently heard an excellent interview with Peter Singer on the Point of Inquiry podcast. He expresses some thought provoking ideas on ethics. Being moral is consistent with being an atheist. I like his rational approach to making moral decisions. You can read more about the contents of the interview and listen to it by going to the interview page.

As Expected: Prop 8 Upheld, 18,000 Valid

California Supreme Court ruled as expected: Prop 8 was upheld but existing 18,000 same-sex marriages are valid. A good video on what's next:

Same-sex Couple on So You Think You Can Dance

The show "So You Think You Can Dance" recently aired a same-sex couple ballroom dancing.



As a guy who enjoys social partner dancing both as a follow and lead and with both men and women, these judges need to be educated! Sure I understand that conventionally, the male leads and the female follows but that does not mean it should always remain that way. Wouldn't it be great if one could choose to lead or follow regardless of their sex? There are dance venues where one can be free to choose and it's one of the major reasons I dance at Sundance Saloon.

The judges seem uncomfortable with the idea of a same-sex dance couple and with switching roles, but that's just because they're not used to it. As one of the dancers said, it adds another dimension to the dance because one must be skilled at both lead and follow roles. With some people I dance with, we also switch between lead and follow in the middle of a dance because it's more improvisational, playful, and fun.

When I first started partner dancing with a woman, it felt really awkward to be occupying someone else's personal space, but I got used to that. The same is true with dancing with someone of the same sex. One gets used to it by doing it. So my response to Nigel is "I'd like to see you dance with a guy because you might enjoy that too". Bravo to the two guys who had the courage to go on the show. I think it helps bring the issue out of the closet so that the general public can get used to it. At the same time, the judge's uneducated comments need to be challenged. (See more same-sex dance video.)

RDP (Registered Domestic Partnership) Tax Tip

If you've used TurboTax and are in a Registered Domestic Partnership (RDP) in a state like California, here are some tips on how to import tax data from the previous year. Last tax year in 2007, we each filed with the federal government as "single" but the state requires us to file as RDPs. As a result, there are two tax files, one for federal and one for state. Now for tax year 2008, TurboTax asks which file to import, choose the state RDP one! This might seem counter-intuitive but I learned the hard way not to choose the federal one first. Here's why, in order to calculate one's federal taxes there is a dependency on the amount of state taxes one paid the previous year and that information is in the state RDP file.

Once you import the state RDP file from the previous year, TurboTax will go through a few screens of questions. Eventually, you get to the "Personal Info" tab, edit your info and select continue to move to a screen that will allow you to select "RDP". You can then choose to start your federal single return. You may also have to select "Single" on your federal return. After finishing, TurboTax will tell you to go back and redo the federal return as "married" and then continue onto your state tax return. You will end up with at least two files: one for federal and another for state. Plus, your RDP will too depending if you file with the state as married filing separately or jointly.

I found the user interface confusing and had to redo my return a few times. However, on the positive side, the software does at least support RDPs and same-sex marriages. Also, I wasn't able to find much info on this topic on the web. Hope this helps.

Marriage Equality in Vermont

It's also great to hear that the Vermont legislature overrode the governor's veto and approved same-sex marriage.

Iowa Supreme Court Sides with Equality

I'm happy to hear that the Iowa Supreme Court sided with marriage equality yesterday. More info on same-sex marriage.